The Shirt...

Seven or eight years ago my ex-wife and I took the whole fam damily to South Florida for a ten day vacation.  It was not an inexpensive undertaking, but to her credit, Tamara took to eBay and in the months before we left bought meal cards and various theme park admission tickets at significant discounts.  In the process, she got hooked on eBay.  

Compared to Tamara, Gretchen is an Olympic caliber eBay shopper and had we been together seven years ago, “the shirt” would never have crossed my closet’s threshold.  Tamara bought “the shirt” without first asking if I wanted or even needed it.  I knew I didn’t want it the first time I ever laid eyes on it; so when Tamara and I divorced in ’06 and I went through my clothes closet and gave away every out of style, age inappropriate or worn out article of clothing I possessed, why didn’t “the shirt” find a new home at the D.I?

 I don’t know the answer to that question, but once I started acting, “the shirt” was one of the first things to find a new home in the dedicated acting wardrobe closet.  But, it’s green, and with green screen, cgi and all; well, as an actor you shouldn't wear green.  When was the last time you saw anyone in a movie or TV show wearing green?

So, “the shirt” languished in the dedicated acting wardrobe closet until “Rummage Rumble”.  When I agreed to do “Rummage Rumble” I was told to wear clothes I didn’t care about since I was going to get bloody.  So what better wardrobe choice could I have made than my “homeless guy” shoes and jeans and “the shirt”.  In “Rummage Rumble” Pam Berry shoots me in the leg and then Taunya Gren blows my head off (head to be removed in post using some cgi) with a shotgun.  But the point is, lots of mud, blood and brain matter on my pants, shoes and “the shirt”.  The weather for “Rummage Rumble” was miserable-cold, wet and windy.  After lying on the ground in the cold and wet for four or five hours, I was more than ready to go home, shower and go to bed.  Two, maybe three days passed before, almost as an afterthought, I threw my clothes into the washer, didn’t hit them with any laundry pre-treatment, just cold water and detergent on a normal cycle and the blood came out!  No stains, not even a trace, it came out!

So now “the shirt” was mocking me, taunting me, daring me to do my worst; time passed and then three weeks ago another shoot, another murder, another opportunity to get rid of, “the shirt”.  Maybe Eli would use a different blood recipe than Robin had nearly two years before, maybe indoors under lights it would dry on, set and become one with the fabric, I could hardly wait.

The fateful night came, so much blood, so many camera angles and takes, I was on the cusp of victory, man against “the shirt” and man would reign triumphant.  Once again I was exhausted at the end of the shoot, once again I waited, but this time I waited three days.  Warm water, detergent and when the cycle was finished, into the dryer.

The next morning I ran down the stairs like a child on Christmas morning opened the dryer and, and-it was clean, it was stain free.  I think Hershey’s cocoa and chocolate syrup contains a secret laundry pre-treatment.

Damn you Hershey’s Cocoa and Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup!

Damn you Schilling and your red food coloring!

And while I’m at it and for good measure, damn you Karo syrup!

And you, you damn cheap dollar store laundry detergent that I can’t even trust to ruin the shirt; damn you too!